The Things Sifty Is Not Allowed to Do In Equestria

There will often be edits to lower-quality parts of the list. Check the description for the updates.

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1. May not use Spike as a makeshift flamethrower.

2. May not attempt to harm Gilda the griffon. Again.

3. Replacing all of Twilight's books with clopfics and horribly written fanfiction was funny exactly once.

4. I am not "Spoonman."

4.1. Not may I tell anypony that "I will spoon their whole entire family if they fork with me."

5. May not spread Molestia rumors to schoolchildren.

6. May not perform explosive terraforming.

7. If a thought makes me giggle for more than fifteen seconds, it will likely get me imprisoned on the moon.

8. May not use doctored images to blackmail Prince Blueblood.

9. Balloon animals are not an appropriate substitute for automatic rifles.

10. Not allowed to use Blueblood as a boat anchor.

11. May not call Hoity-Toity a raging homosexual. Even though he is.

12. I am not capable of "busta' ass rhymes."

13. May not make fun of anypony's triskadecaphobia.

14. Sharks are not acceptable weapons.

15. My proper identification is "Sifty," NOT-
-Ben Dover
-Hugh G. Reckshun
-Blast Hardcheese
-Spork McSaberwank
-Barry McCockiner
-Butterdick Jones
-Hairy Von Wondermoist

16. Not allowed to "officially" name any cacti I come across "Gristle McThornbody."

17. I am not allowed to ask anypony if they like bananas.

18. No longer allowed to shout "Here comes Butterdick Jones and his Heavenly Asshole Machine" during combat.

19. I may not plant video cameras in Shining Armor and Princess Cadence's bedroom.

19.1. Not even in the name of science.

19.2. Furthermore, I am not allowed to dress up as "Trojan Man," break down their door, and shout "NOBODY EXPECTS THE BROKEN ANTICONCEPTION."

20. "Science" is not an acceptable answer to anything.

20.1. Neither is "mahdiq."

21. May not insist upon "friendship through superior firepower."

22. May not say "and welcome to Jackass!" upon introducing myself.

23. "2spooky4me" is not a valid excuse.

24. "I have the shiniest meat bicycle" does not mean the same thing as "run away because I am trying to kill you."

25. I am not made of "thirty-five percent gelatin."

26. "Aim low" is not to be given to anypony as advice.

26.1. Neither is "stop wacking it."

27. May not impersonate Danny Trejo.

28. May not have possession of glue.

29. Fluttershy is incapable of stopping wars and I am to stop asking her to do so.

30. There are no such things as butt goblins.

31. May not enforce group hugs.

32. It is called the forbidden zone for a reason.

33. I do not posses a "lightning rod cock."

34. May not tell newly recruited Royal Guards that Princess Celestia needs a slap on the flank every time she passes by as a gesture of faith to her kingdom.

35. Rainbow Dash is not made of skittles.

35.1. I am not allowed to test that fact.

36. May not tell Queen Chrysalis to "spawn more overlords.'

37. May not come into possession of a "floppy device."

38. I may not "gobble" anypony.

39. May not go streaking.

40. I may not spontaneously burst into song.

40.1. Nor may I burst into song with prior warning.

41. A proper plan of action may never be "we need to go deeper."

42. I do not know the meaning of life.

43. May not urinate into the nostrils of sleeping dragons.

44. A silver pike covered in the fluids of a thousand virgins is not an acceptable weapon in this world.

45. Must never claim that a unicorn's horn length is compensation for something else.

46. I do not sweat microscopic ninjas.

47. May not perform violent or semi-violent acts on Silver Spoon or Diamond Tiara. Yet.

48. May not ask Big Macintosh to "squish" something for me.

49. May not "officially" name my genitals "The Truth" for the reason of "bitches being unable to handle it."

50. I may not place homosexual sailors in Prince Blueblood's bedroom.

51. I am not made of explodium.

52. May not swear by "Celestia's flaming tramp-stamp."

53. "Solve it through elimination" is not good life advice.

54. May not explain the concept of a tattoo to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

55. I am not allowed to explain the functionality of a turtle's reproductive organs to anybody "in the name of education."

56. I am incapable of photosynthesis.

57. Am not allowed to cook my meals "Swedish Style."

58. May not use the phrase "my monstrous murderection is now flacid."

59. Not allowed to shout lewd phrases in German or Croatian.

60. A foam finger is not to be used as a destructive tool, under the pretense that "bang" is a single, powerful shot, and "pew pew pew" is multiple, rapid shots.

61. May not punch steaks as a euphemism for "beating my meat."

62. May not challenge anypony's beliefs about butter.

63. Attaching rockets to a lawn chair did not work the first time, nor did it work the other five times, and trying a seventh time is unadvised.

64. Sifty is not allowed to refer to himself in the third person.

65. It does not make me a "classy bastard" if I use the word phallus instead of the word dick.

66. May not tell royalty that "I'mma strap a meat tenderizer to mah fist, and punch you in the gut like mega man."

67. I am not allowed to spontaneously shout "I have made cream in trousers" at wedding occasions.

68. A proper reply to a given order is not "why?"

69. I may not make number-related sex jokes.

70. My proper species identification is "human," not "cheeky dickwaffle."

71. May not take a shot of hard cider for every horse pun I see. My liver does not have that much longevity.

72. May not defect to the Changeling Swarm for free cookies.

73. I am not an "analrapist" and am not certified to give rectal exams.

74. Spike is not a Pokemon, and I am to stop throwing red and white tennis balls at him.

75. May not glue an ice cream cone to my forehead and cardboard wings to my back, then skip through town saying that "I am the prettiest pony princess in all the land."

76. Blind bag pony toys cannot accept responsibility for my actions.

77. I do not contain "preposterous amounts of testosterone."

77.1. Calling it "preposterone" does not void that fact.

78. My foot is not an acceptable form of birth control.

79. "Murdery" does not constitute as a real emotion.

80. I am not allowed to refer to Princess Celestia as "Molly."

81. May not ask anypony if they "got that thing I sentcha."

82. I am not allowed to refer to Snowflake as "Roid Rage."

83. Am not allowed to demand the following as payment:
-Fillies
-Anticonceptions
-Souls
-All of the royal gold
-Potassium Permanganate
-Nukes
-Liquid Soap
-Butter

84. I cannot reproduce by budding.

85. May not use my crossbow for "long-distance brain surgery."

86. "Ding dong, look at my shlong" is not to be said when trick-or-treating on Nightmare Night.

87. May not use a chainsaw as a surgical tool.

88. Not allowed to tell anypony that I am going to "kick their fucking nipples off."

89. May not replace the confetti in Pinkie Pie's party cannon with liquid soap, marbles and legos.

90. Am not allowed to weaponize fillies.

91. Rarity does not own bondage supplies, and I am to stop asking her for rope.

92. I am not capable of causing "braingasms."

93. May not finish any explanation with "just like mahdiq."

94. "Smack the devil out of it" is not a solution to all problems.

95. Attaching a sniper scope to a crowbar will not grant me a tool capable of long-distance bludgeoning.

96. "Watcha' gonna do, faget?" is not a proper reply to "why did you do that?"

97. May not refer to any mare as "hunbaby."

98. Am not allowed to shout "Drago" after scaling a mountain.

99. "Prepare thy anus!" is not an acceptable battle cry.

100. May not invade the Griffon Kingdom.

101. Mailing crudely drawn penises to Princess Celestia is not a good idea.

102. "Mah Ballsack" is not a source of infinite energy.

103. May not place an order for a glass of "diet water."

104. I am not allowed to disperse a bundle of sexual toys into a crowd.

105. May not shout "what the sex?"

106. May not attempt to summon Slendermane.

106.1. No matter how many fillies I possess.

107. I am not allowed to go door-to-door in an attempt to convert ponies to "The Church of Latter Hay Saints."

108. Not allowed to reset every thermostat in Ponyville to make it seem like the weather is discorded.

109. May not replace artwork in Canterlot with human breasts drawn on line paper.

110. Ponyville is not a moonbase, and I am not an astronaut.

111. May not refer to any of the children I do not have as "lives."

112. Wearing a new shirt is not a disguise.

113. Actual hearts are not "health pickups."

114. I am not "a monster truck that walks like a man."

115. "I may not quote myself."

116. I am incapable of squirting machismo out of my nipples.

117. I may not make Halo references.

118. Not allowed to offer my services in free facial mutilation, amputation and replacement.

119. May not attempt to draw faces on shrubbery to make "creepers."

120. Am not a "Swaggot Exterminator."

121. "Mahdiq" is incapable of starting wars.

122. May not build and utilize a kitten cannon.

123. May not demand that anypony "worship the royal ass" at knifepoint.

123.1. Or gunpoint.

123.2. Or jar-full-of-fecal-matter-point.

124. My knees are not "spring-loaded testicle annihilators."

125. The Spa Twins are not clop fodder.

125.1. Furthermore, I am to stop using them to weed out cloppers.

126. I am to stop referring to cloppers as "prey."

127. I am to stop calling griffons "fuzzy fuckbutts."

128. May not offer Rocky Mountain Oysters as royal table fare.

129. Am to stop elbow-dropping anypony who says the phrase "mai waifu."

130. "Internet" is not a language.

130.1. Frsrs guise.

131. I shall not refer to living ponies as "livers."

132. Coat hangers are for the hanging of coats only.

133. "The Cow Milk" is not an actual dance technique.

134. "BODYSLAM THE SAUSAGE" is not a psychological warfare message.

135. May not replace mistletoe with sentient poison ivy during Hearth's Warming Eve.

136. May not whip ponies with a bike chain.

136.1. Blaming the chain for this behavior does not make it a "chain of command."

137. "Bring me my brown pants" is not to be said when informed of the creatures I will be facing on my next assignment.

138. May not mow the lawn do anything naked.

139. Not allowed to touch anyone "with intent to please."

140. May not go "bike jousting."

141. May not use unicorns as spearing instruments.

142. May not refer to any protective stallion as a "cockblock."

143. I am not allowed to "lay the fucksmack" on anypony.

144. When Lily Valley begins screaming in terror for any reason, I am not allowed to "sing along."

145. May not possess a Dubstep Dishwasher.

145.1. Unless Vinyl Scratch says I can. Not even then. Bastards.

146. I cannot shoot heat-seeking killer bees out of my nethers.

147. May not use Blueblood as a harpoon.

147.1. Nor may I harpoon Blueblood.

148. May not attempt to solve every problem with fire.

148.1. Stabbings are permitted in this case matter.

149. Soarin' is not a target for knife-throwing practice.

149.1. Not even when I tie him down.

149.2. Nor when "he was asking for it."

150. The use of a lighter is not pyrokinesis, and I am to stop attempting to fool Twilight Sparkle.

151. May not throw Diamond Tiara through a field goal made out of sentient cacti and sick llamas.

152. Am not allowed to run through town with an oversized rooster above my head singing the System of a Down song "Cigaro."

153. Telling Celestia "your orders weren't clear enough, I got my dick caught in the ceiling fan" is right out.

154. May not stare at a picture of Rarity, shed a single tear, and cry "MARIUUUUH."

155. Not allowed to teach Winona to "Sic Spoon."

156. When asked to say a few words at a funeral, I am not to simply say "floppsy woppsy woopsie knickers, foshizzle my nizzle butt squizzle nizzle" and leave.

157. "Stick it in your kitchen" is not a real cooking show that I host.

158. Violence is not the answer to most problems.

158.1. It is, however, the question.

158.2. And the answer is yes.

159. "Get in the van" is not to be said to fillies as I pass by in a traincar.

160. The enemy of my enemy is not my double enemy.

161. Should not play leapfrog with a unicorn.

162. May not ask anypony if a rag I am holding smells like chloroform.

163. May not call anypony "my warm and tasty friend."

164. Alligators are not capable of higher-thought, and I am to stop referring to them as my voice of reason.

165. I may not tornado kick ponies because they are being rude.

166. Not allowed to wear a shirt graphicked with the word "life" and start handing out lemons.

167. "Your mother" is not an appropriate answer to a guardsman.

168. May not sharpen my ear lobes.

169. My chin is not made of Nokia phones.

170. Not allowed to break a stallion's legs because he "looked at my Flutters wrong."

171. Not allowed to take my work home with me "so the meat doesn't go to waste."

172. Not allowed to hold anypony down and "slap the fail out of them."

173. Beating anypony with a rolled up newspaper is not permitted.

174. My job in Equestria entails protecting the land and it's inhabitants against any and all threats, and being ready for deployment should the need arise. NOT-
-Clopper Hunting
-"Choking the shit out of people"
-"Surprise buttsecks"
-Giving advice about my genitals
-Not looking at explosions as I walk away from them
-Assimilating myself into the mongol horde

175. Doing something wrong is still wrong, even if I do it on the moon.

176. I am not to finish any of my after-action reports with "and based off of this information, I can solidly confirm that he, in fact, does not like the pussy."

177. May not hurk urine-filled condoms at anything, ever.

178. There are, in fact, brakes on the rape train.

179. Shouting "I challenge you to fisticuffs" before pummeling somepony does not excuse me from any damage I cause to them with my bare hands.

180. Not allowed to question anypony's sexuality for the stallion known as Braeburn.

181. Sentient cacti do not override any orders given to me by either Princess.

182. My ass is incapable of sentient thought and I am to stop answering questions with it.

183. May not shout "holy shit, guys! IT'S KIDDIELAND!" when approaching Ponyville.

184. There is no movie by the name of "Mahdiq: The Motion Picture."

185. May not dig a large hole for the sole purpose of kicking disagreeable ponies into it.

186. Not allowed to spike the town water supply with love poison "to see what happens."

187. May not go "anal privateering."

188. "WELCOME TO THE RICE FIELDS, MOTHAFUCKAAAA" is not to be used to greet anypony. Ever.

188.1 Especially not Zecora.

189. Building a flying lawn mower is not to be done for the sole reason of telling ponies "there is no reason to be upset."

190. "Pwoekf" is not a real word.

191. May not sing "Miniscule Horse in My Possession" while on duty.

192. I am not to claim that I worship any of the following:
-The Almighty Zamorak
-Cupcakes
-Queen Chrysalis
-Mahdiq
-Gordon Freeman
-Crowbars
-Isaac Clarke
-Fajitas
-The Overmind
-Pinkie Pie
-Joseph Ducreux
-"The Light"

193. May not try and use a catapult to launch things into the sun, and am not to say "into the fiery orb with ye" upon attempting to do so.

194. "Throw the cheese" is not a proper contingency plan-of-action.

195. I am not to use the entire dialogue of the Shark Punching Center orientation when giving a speech to Ponyville.

196. May not attempt to throw Princess Celestia while shouting "LET'S FLY TO THE CASTLE."

197. Not allowed to kick somepony in the shin and run away while shouting "It's a legitimate strategy."

198. Introducing myself with "I'm Chris Hansen, and I'm with dateline NBC, and I can't control my horny levels." is right out.

199. "How is babby formed" is not an appropriate question to ask at royal soirees.

200. When a Royal Guard calls my radio channel and requests backup, I am not to reply with "YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS."

201. Not allowed to grab a pony and shake them while saying "ANOTHER CHINESE EARTHQUAKE" and then making a rumbling noise.

202. I am not the entirety of the spanish inquisition.

202.1. Nor am I allowed to break down anypony's door and shout "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION."

203. Not allowed to name a ship or chariot the following:
-USS Numbnuts
-USG Ishimura
-Predictibly Damaged
-Scrapyard of Insufferable Arrogance
-Actual Size

204. Am to avoid going axe crazy for as long as possible Too late for that.

205. May not attempt to get ponies to sign a petition voting for the public execution of Prince Blueblood.

205.1. Nor may I make the attempt myself with a bike chain, wood cutting axe, brush hook or my bare hands.

206. I am an exceptionally skilled human being, and Celestia's champion. NOT:
-A toaster
-A "Spehss Mahreen"
-A "Zawmbee Goast"
-Saxton Hale
-A land squid

207. May not feed Chrysalis "wiffmahdiq."

207.1. May not feed Chrysalis any form of affection whatsoever.

208. May not attempt to orchestrate my armpit farts.

209. "Tongue punch his fartbox" is not to be given as advice to a mare trying to win over the heart of a stallion during Hearts and Hooves day.

209.1. May not give the same advice to a stallion.

209.2. Not even if I actually change "his" to "her" instead of saying the exact same thing, word for word.

210. Not allowed to put a pair of thimbles on my middle fingers, climb on top of the town hall, and "drunkenly flip off the gods" during a thunderstorm.

211. Not allowed to throw Blueblood into a hole filled with razor wire and salt.

212. Not allowed to construct a "drilldo" or a "fucksaw."

213. Not allowed to order an entire platoon to "open their buttcheeks to engulf the enemy" when facing off against humans any invading army.