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1. I AM THE LORD
2. AND MASTER OF THE SWORD
3. SEE MAGIC IN MY EYES
4. THIS FORCE BECAME MY ENDLESS CURSE
5. WITCHER IS MY NAME
6. ADRENALINE BURNS ME INSIDE
7. THE SPIRITS OF THE PAST
8. PROTECT THE SOULS WHICH NEVER REST
okay now to post some facts and shit
Facts:
1. I'm a witcher as a profession.
2. I've got a multitude of scars across my frame, my most prominent of which is the bite mark on my left forearm.
3. I have a sword plated with silver, gifted to me by my girlfriend, which I use at work. Her name is Aerondight.
4. One of my friends is a witch doctor from Africa. He's currently in the process of placing the necessary enchantments on the new medallion I am getting.
5. My metabolism is extraordinary, which allows me to handle massive doses of certain chemicals and vitamins, which I use when creating potions.
6. Most of my potions are ludicrously dangerous to an average person, but I've got duplicates of my own that I can make for normal people.
7. I was highly considering getting a tattoo, once upon a time, but I believe my claw scars will suffice.
8. Probably the most apathetic piece of shit you'll ever meet when I'm on the job.
9. I get injured all the bloody time, but the worst I've had was when I was doing a regular job. Specifically, bouncing. Stab got lucky, hit between my ribs, collapsed a lung.
10. I need to get a fucking tan.
's Questions:
1. Have you ever embarrassed yourself in front of a friend? What was is it, if you're comfortable with sharing?
NEVEEEEEEEEEEEEER
2. Have you had any of the aforementioned "wet dreams?" Would you care to expand on that?
What the fuck
3. Have you drawn a character of the opposite gender just to appease your "preferences" for a figure of that type?
Yes, I have. Her name is Sylvia.
4. What do you enjoy the most about the opposite gender?
I'm a witcher. I don't feel feelings anymore.
5. Am I making you uncomfortable with these questions? >w>
Put your fucking pants back on, Joseph.
6. Okay, sorry. Innocent question: Beaches or mountain tops?
Beaches. Sand offers resistance training, water offers cardio, fish offer murder.
7. Squishy or fluffy? Why?
What
8. How good is your sense of rhythm?
Very well.
9. Have you sat at the computer so long that your legs get cramped?
Nope. I get up and do a workout set every hour.
10. Longest time you've stayed up on the computer at night?
7 PM - 6 AM.
11. Worst fear?
Wolves asleep amidst the trees, bats all a-swayin' in the breeze,
But one soul lies anxious, wide awake, fearin' all manner of ghouls, hags and wraiths,
For the witcher, brave and bold, paid in coin of gold...
12. Do you like the rain? Why or why not?
Naturally. It's a soothing kind of weather. Especially since I live in south Florida. America's wang is fucking sunny too much.
13. What is the nerdiest part about you?
Probably my dick.
Misadventure - Chapters 5-7
The men stood in the clearing, weapons ready, unmoving, as the creatures in the forest edged closer and closer. It felt, before, that those very same woods were vibrant, lit by the moon, yet now they were smothering, black, opaque to the eye. The only visual either man could get was the shifting, swaying green glow of the creature's eyes. "Fuck this," muttered the Wizard, pulling a strange, round device off his overcrowded belt. He pressed down on the top of it, ushering out a light crack of glass, and the ball began to hiss and expand as the mexican marvel chucked it into the woods, precisely into the dead middle of the encroaching horrors. "What the hell was that?" Spoke the Witcher. "Yes." Annoyance aside, the Witcher received his answer as the ball suddenly exploded into a massive fog of silver gas, ushering a bestial shriek from the creatures within. They charged from the gas cloud, each one roaring with anger and rage, their skin steaming in the moonlight. "Tobacco
0.12
I bashed open the heavy, wooden gate leading out of the dungeons, stepping out into the inky, black night, sighing heavy gasps of exhaustion. The forearm on my shotgun was locked back; an instinct, reminding me to reload. Blood and viscera dripped from my elbows, some even trickling from the gunpowder-blackened barrel of my weapon. We were victorious. Shell-shocked stallions trailed out of the underground, some wounded, some unharmed, but all of them were glazed in a thick coat of gore. There were dozens of those fucking things down there. But the important thing was, those soldiers followed my every word. In the thick, murky heat of battle, not a single warrior was out of place, not a single stallion thrusting his spear an inch too far. I got every single one of them out of there alive. As I shuffled into the courtyard, idly barking to some unicorns to prepare beds, food, water and medicine, the Sergeant caught up to me, just as weary as the rest. "Tough hunt?" I looked him up
Misadventure: Chapters 1-4
"ARE YA WINNIN', SON?" Screamed the Wizard at his embattled comrade, who was, in his current state of affairs, bitterly locked in combat with some strange, abhorrent monstrosity. "I'LL BE WINNING THE AUCTION FOR YOUR BUTCHERED SKELETON, YOU GODDAMNED DONUT, FUCKING HELP ME-" The Witcher screamed back, before being knocked off-balance by one of the many writhing limbs of the grick. The creature screamed, beak wide open, as it lunged for the swordsman, before a thick whack of the Wizard's truncheon distracted its attention. In the brief second the serpentine aberrant spent to turn and regard its new attacker, the Witcher took advantage, slicing his steel blade clean through the beast's midsection, only to swiftly turn and crash his sword down into- where he assumed- the brain was concealed. The abomination, thus swiftly murdered, curled up in a heap on the darkened forest floor. "What the fuck took you?" The swordsman spat, idly wiping the unspeakable fluids from his tainted
0.11
The feast before me was to be expected. After all, the locals were all vegetarians. Flower blossoms of a thousand varieties, bean pods and fruits of a hundred species, greens and roots of a dozen vegetables. I was no stranger to wild foraging, of course, and smiled happily as I dug in. Sweet potatoes grown in the garden, snow peas from the high mountains... I was even served a coffee brewed from the roasted roots of the constant dandelions growing in the city. Though I sat at the seat closest to the dual princesses, in my ever present throne as the guest of honor, I still took heed not to overeat. I carefully examined the table, the happy ponies trailing out of the grand hall, the two friendly mares at my side. It all seemed so perfect, so flawless- but I knew better. This was perfect for them. Those horrible monsters in the dark. I idly fondled the outline of my concealed weapons under my clothes. Yet, as the night dragged on, there were no sudden visitors of darkness and blood.
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